When dealing with our emotions, progress is definitely not linear. It’s more like one step forward, two steps back sometimes. One day you’re feeling grounded and confident, and then the next you’re in pain or sadness… because it’s your wedding anniversary or you saw a loving couple on the bus.
Here are some common ways we sabotage our emotional progress and some strategies to effectively heal from your separation or divorce.
How to Sabotage Yourself
1. Judge Yourself
When you experience a setback, start to judge yourself harshly. Tell yourself that you should know better or that you are somehow flawed because you’re still feeling stuck in emotional quicksand. Withhold love and compassion from yourself.
2. Compare Yourself to Others
Another great sabotage strategy is to compare your progress to other people. Find examples of people who appear to be happy and successful and feel really jealous. Conclude there is something wrong with you that you don’t feel the same way. Get impatient and tell yourself you are being “too slow” to get over your relationship breakdown. Disregard any progress you’ve made to date.
3. Relive Negative Mental Movies
Identify experiences you’ve had in your relationship or in your life in general that torpedo your self-confidence and self-esteem. Play back those scenes in your head and think about all the things you could have or should have done differently in the past.
Strategies to Use to Heal from Your Divorce
1. Stay Present
Be present to what’s going on for you in THIS moment. Build your awareness of the present moment by noticing what is going on right now. Ask yourself how you are choosing to respond to it.
There is no personal power in reliving the past or projecting “what if” scenarios in the future. Your power as the architect of your life lies in what you choose to think, do, feel or create in this moment.
2. Dig for Hidden Treasures
Realize that your emotional journey will tend to be more of a spiral than a straight line. Issues you may feel you’ve already dealt with will often re-surface as new emotional setbacks because you are ready for a deeper understanding of yourself. Instead of viewing these setbacks as a lack of progress, see them as opportunities to discover even more personal wisdom. Ask yourself, “What can I learn now from this situation?”
3. Acknowledge Your Wins
Refuel yourself emotionally and spiritually by acknowledging your wins. A powerful tool is to journal at least 10 self-acknowledgements daily. Take the time to celebrate and acknowledge your progress to date, whether it’s having taken the time to get to the gym or reaching out to a friend so you could talk. Stop taking yourself and your progress for granted and be sure to consciously acknowledge yourself.
Success Strategist, coach and best-selling author, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the founder of ThriveAfterDivorce.com, created for divorced people who want to stop struggling and start thriving. To get free tips on every aspect of living through a divorce, from legal issues to single parenting to getting back into the dating world, visit www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com.
When nothing else would help rebuild your marriage and when everything else seems to have failed you then divorce is the only available alternative to make the most of the years to come by. Sadly for you and for me there are quite a lot of divorce attorneys out there and most are only eager to collect their fee irrespective of what the outcome of your divorce is. So if you want to make the best use of your divorce then it is prudent that you find the best divorce attorney out there. Here you will find three tips that you will have to look for when choosing your attorney to represent you legally in the court of law. 1. Credibility When choosing a divorce lawyer make certain that you look for an attorney who is well respected and has made a niche for himself in the field of divorce law. Check the success rate of the attorney. If he or she has a success rate that is well over 95% then he or she will charge an extravagant fee. But remember that it will be well worth the investment. Make sure that you also do a research on how long the attorney has been practicing and try talking to a few references to find out about the attorney’s prowess in a court room. The last thing you need in a divorce case is an attorney who is a complete push-over. 2. Closure Time & Out-Of-Court Settlements Most attorneys are well reputed for the time they take for the closure of a case. Let the attorney that you choose have an impeccable closure time. You can also find respectable attorneys who are well known to settle a divorce case on out-of-court basis. This is very crucial since it would save a lot of time and money for you if you are footing the legal charges. Look for an attorney who is a force to reckon with and who can gain the best settlement without having to take the case up to a judge. Since these fall under domestic or civil disputes, such cases are never brought before a jury. Still, an attorney who can negotiate the best out-of-court settlements should be the one that you invest on. 3. Costs & Fees When you meet your attorney for the first or even during the second time, make certain that you ask for a complete break-up off all the charges and costs that will be involved during the entire procedure. The last thing that you need after a successful divorce case is for your attorney to come up with a bill that would make you sell all the settlement assets and your mother’s inheritance put together. The initial meeting is the time for you to clarify your questions about the costs involved. Don’t let this particular topic slide by and regret it later with all the hidden charges that come up on your attorney’s bill! So here are three solid tips that you need to remember before you choose a divorce attorney. Do your research well and let your friends and family also recommend a few attorneys. Choose the best and choose wisely. Let the divorce attorney bring peace and not pain after your divorce is settled.
By Lauren Sigman, Certified Financial Planner™ Located in Denver, Colorado
Divorce creates a huge emotional upheaval for both parties. Addressing financial concerns of a divorce in a calm and objective manner will benefit everyone in the long-term.
Here are five of the most frequent divorce financial mistakes and how to avoid them.
1. Taking the house. The spouse who will have custody of the children typically wants to keep the family home. While this may be desirable emotionally, it can be financially problematic.
A home is an illiquid asset that costs money to pay for and maintain. Consequently, it may be better financially to sell the home and split the proceeds.
2. Assuming equal is equitable. Frequently, the wife takes the house and the husband keeps his pension or retirement accounts. Say both are valued at $400,000. The home is a cost-burden, while the retirement account is a liquid asset that can continue to grow, tax deferred, and probably at a faster growth rate than the home.
3. Not examining earnings potential. Often, one spouse has minimized a career in order to raise children. The settlement needs to take this into account, perhaps by providing extra money to the homemaking spouse to pay for additional career training or education.
4. Not thinking about taxes. Say it’s proposed that one spouse keeps a $150,000 IRA and the other keeps a $150,000 taxable investment account. Sounds fair. But it’s not. The owner of the IRA will have to pay taxes on that money when it’s withdrawn, so the two accounts are not truly equal in value.
5. Only using a lawyer and an accountant. Hire a Certified Financial Planner™ professional trained in divorce financial issues to work alongside your attorney and CPA. A Certified Financial Planner™ can objectively examine long-range issues such as budgeting, appreciation, and tax ramifications of the proposed settlement assets; as well as the long-term costs associated with settlement proposals. A financial planner, working alongside your attorney and CPA, can help ensure the divorce settlement is financially fair to you.
About Lauren Sigman:
Lauren Sigman is a Certified Financial Planner? in Denver, Colorado and has over 25 years of experience in personal financial planning, divorce solutions, and real estate. She created Sigman Financial Fitness
Going to an Orlando divorce lawyer is essential for an Orlando resident who may feel that his or her marriage is not working out and a divorce is the best option. This is because a divorce lawyer will provide them guidance on what has to be done and how so.
The role played by a divorce lawyer is not always duly appreciated, as most people do not realize that without legal advice, the already traumatizing experience can shatter a person to bits.
What Is The Need?
Just like an Orlando resident whose finances are about to hit rock bottom needs to consult an Orlando bankruptcy lawyer, an Orlando divorce lawyer is what a person really needs if the need for a divorce arises. Apart from having all the necessary know-how of the divorce laws of Orlando, Florida an Orlando divorce lawyer will also help the client weigh his or her options in light of all the provisions this law offers. For instance, many people do not even consider mediation as an option although it can be a means of saving both time and resources.
Help: Where And How?
The family lawyer is the person that a person turns to whenever faced by a legal problem, as he or she can be trusted to provide sound and honest advice. However, the role of the family lawyer is usually negated in divorce case. Just as an Orlando immigration lawyer fighting the case of a friend, family member or even neighbor can be expected to be bias, the same is the case with a family lawyer handling a divorce case. Though the bias factor is mostly eliminated, the fact remains that advising both spouses is unethical.
This can be a setback for people who were counting on the trusted services of their family lawyers but they do not need to fret, as there is a lawyer referral service that has the sole purpose of forwarding details of a client’s case to lawyers that may be able to thoroughly handle the particular demands of a case. This is an extremely useful service as not only does a person get an Orlando divorce lawyer that can handle the specific requirements of his or her case but the lawyer will also be able to provide him other alternatives such as mediation or simplified dissolution of marriage.
What Are The Costs?
People often incorrectly assume that divorce proceedings can be expensive business. While this may not be completely wrong, the amount of fees depend on the nature and complexity of the case, as the longer the case is in court, the higher the fee an Orlando divorce lawyer is entitled to. However, it is crucial to mention that that an Orlando divorce lawyer, or any other for that matter, cannot be contracted on a contingency basis, in which the lawyer gets a percentage of the money awarded by the court. Therefore, it is important to perform a thorough research and then select one professional and experienced lawyer to handle your divorce case.
Find out more about Orlando divorce lawyer by clicking here.
Richard is a full time internet marketer, with more than 6 years of experience in giving advice to thousands of customers on choosing the best products online
Since women are the ones who undergo a lot of emotional turmoil during and after the divorce process, they are at a bigger risk of settling for an unfair financial settlement. As a woman, you may be tempted to get over and done with the divorce process as soon as possible so as to put an end to the bitter trauma that you may be experiencing. However, doing so can have disastrous consequences. It is common for women to slip below the poverty line after divorce. Since women are financially vulnerable after divorce, they need to be over-cautious about their finances during and after divorce.
Why Are Women Financially Vulnerable After Divorce?
Women mostly tend to assume the role of a caretaker in a marriage. Therefore, it is common for women to sacrifice their careers in order to take care of their home and family. It is only when divorce is in the offing that women realise that the decision to quit their high-rising careers was a big mistake.
Divorce brings with a lot of changes; you may have to leave your marital home and your financial status may not remain what it used to be. Looking for a new house can be challenging especially if you have children. You may want your children to live in the same neighbourhood to ensure that they still feel close to their friends and familiar surroundings but doing so may mean shelling out more money if the neighbourhood is an expensive one.
If you have been a stay-at-home mom, you may have look for another job to support yourself. If you have children and you are the custodial parent, the task at hand can be tougher. You will have to ensure that your new job not only supports your lifestyle but also that of your children. Many women have no clue about how to take care of monthly finances or yearly savings. Since women rarely involve themselves in financial planning sessions with their husbands, they are more likely to feel financially vulnerable after divorce.
Why Do Many Women Slip Below Poverty Line?
Recent studies have proved that as many as 53.4% of the single mothers with children are below the poverty line. In addition, studies also prove that while men tend to experience only a 10% drop in incomes post-divorce, women are likely to experience as much as 30% drop in income after divorce.
The main reason for this is that when women tend to start their careers after taking a long break from their careers, they do not get hired for highly skilled jobs. In addition, many single custodial mothers can only afford to take up part-time work because the cost of child-care far outweighs the benefits of a fulltime job.
Financial Tips to Make Ends Meet
• If you have no idea about financial planning, it would make sense to gain some knowledge about basic financial planning. For this, you need not enrol yourself in a costly course; researching the Internet is a cost-effective way to gain knowledge on this subject. Research about your savings options such as ISAs, allowances such as jobseeker’s allowance, and basic state pension schemes.
• Make sure that you claim all the benefits that you are entitled to. If you are on low income and want to stay in your marital home rather than anywhere else, the housing benefit scheme in the UK can be very helpful. This scheme can help you towards making your mortgage interest payments when you have a low income stream.
• If you would like to stay in a rental house, you may be eligible for a rent allowance or rent rebate. You will need to contact your local council to get more details about this allowance. Your local council or Citizens Advice Bureau will also be able to assist you if you do not have a home or cannot afford a home.
• You would need to make sure that you claim your full state benefits that you may be entitled to. These may include but are not limited to winter fuel payments, pension credit, and council tax benefit. Single mothers are also entitled to tax credits and costs related to childcare.
James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. For more information on Data Recovery see http://www.fields-data-recovery.co.uk
30 year-old global R&B megastar Usher Raymond IV – better known simply as “Usher” – has filed for divorce from his 38 year-old wife Tameka Foster Raymond.
While news of Usher’s June 12 divorce petition may be sending shockwaves through his legions of fans, those familiar with the marriage aren’t surprised in the least. “”[Usher has] done his best to keep Tameka away,” a source told PEOPLE magazine, confirming related accounts that they’ve been estranged for months.
However, what may get lost in the midst of the media swirl that engulfs celebrity divorces, is the impact the Divorce Lawyer process may have on the couple’s two children, 18-month old Usher Raymond V and 6-month old Naviyd. Indeed, while obviously too young to grasp the nuances and details of the impending Divorce Law, there is evidence to suggest that infants do feel the stress and emotional toll of divorce indirectly through their parents.
Hopefully the damage will be minimal. Sources have told PEOPLE magazine that Ms. Raymond is focusing on keeping her family happy, and was recently spotted “happy and smiling” at the screening of Eddie Murphy’s new movie, Imagine That.
Still, in the celebrity world where image, fiction, reality and gossip often collide and merge, it’s difficult to know whether such observed “happiness” is authentic, healthy and natural, or an artificial attempt to mask a distressing and traumatic situation. Let’s hope for the sake of the (soon to be ex-) couple and their children that it’s the former.
A Problem With My Fence
It was time. We had moved into our house seventeen years before. Then, everything was new… including the fence I was about to repair.
A neighbor had stopped by that morning and was concerned that one of our two dogs was able to push a fence board aside and stick her head out. The neighbor was concerned our small Boston Terrier, Maggie, would get out of the yard and get hit by a car on our busy street.
I inspected the part of the fence that Maggie was putting her head through. It was in a corner of the yard where two sections of fence were joined together by a 4×4 post. What was a brand new fence when we moved in was sadly in need of repair.
I hadn’t noticed… over the years water had been draining into that corner of the yard and was sitting inside the post and slowly rotting it. Adding to the problem was an infestation of worms and insects. They had been feasting on the cellulose fibers of the wood for almost two decades and now I could literally break off large chunks of the post with my bear hands. The support structure of the fence was only a artificial shell of “strength.” With little effort, Maggie was able to push the fence boards aside with her head. She just didn’t know she could have jumped through.
A Problem With Marriage
As I began taking the fence apart I began to reflect on our experience with Marriage Encounter. For more than ten years my wife, Deborah, and I had been clergy presenters. We had met close to 250 couples at different stage of marital health. Some had come to the weekend to make a good marriage better. For others it was their last chance effort to save their marriage before divorce court.
Why were some marriages solid and others, in just a few years time, ready to be dismantled and hauled away like my rotten fence. I took several pieces of the old fence post and compared them with a new fence post I had purchased. “Well, it had a good a seventeen year run anchoring these two sections of fence,” I reasoned. But, looking down the fence line I saw other 4×4 posts that were just as old and still strong. Luck of the draw? Defective post? As I ticked through the reasons why this particular post had fallen prey to the water, worms, and insects, it became apparent. It wasn’t the post’s fault, defect, or placement in the yard that brought failure. It was my negligence in not making sure that area of the yard had proper drainage. As it sat in water, the forces of nature slowly over seventeen years had eaten away it’s strength bit by bit until it was too weak to do it’s job. Now it was too late.
Save Your Marriage and Break The Negative Cycles Of Divorce
Marriages are much the same. The strength is kept by paying attention to the small details. The marriages we encountered that were close to divorce had fissures of neglect deeply etched through the years. The negative cycles of divorce had been reinforced year after year until there was not much left to hold the marriage together.
Is your marriage in trouble? What negative cycles are present and are they being reinforced? People are also very different from fences. People have been given the gift to heal. I personally believe that once the negative cycles of divorce are broken, healing can begin. Almost every couple close to divorce attending our Marriage Encounter weekends left with a newfound determination to save their marriage by being attentive to the small details. No, it’s not easy, but its definitely worth it.
Pastor Wink Farrand has been a spiritual leader for over 35 years. He and his wife Deborah have been Marriage Encounter presenters for more than 10 years. He regularly writes a blog for saving marriages and breaking the negative cycles of divorce. He includes several different courses couples can use as a resource to fast track their marriages away from divorce and into health. Save Your Marriage Now is his blog where he publishes new content three times a week.
Finding a good divorce lawyer is critical to protecting your rights to children and marital assets. There are thousands of divorce lawyers out there; you need to choose carefully among them to secure the most appropriate divorce representation for you.
On Referrals And Finding A Divorce Lawyer
No doubt you know several people who have been through a divorce in your local area. Each one is sure to have an opinion and the name of a “great divorce lawyer”. But it is not enough to rely on the advice of friends and neighbors.
Referrals are an excellent place to start looking for a divorce lawyer, in addition to the internet and local advertising resources, but you need to go further and do some research of your own. Why? Because your divorce is unique to you and your circumstances and it is essential that you find a divorce lawyer who can represent your needs and best interests. The best advice as referrals go is to choose the person whose experiences most closely match your own, make sure they had a positive outcome, and put their lawyer on your list of possibles, along with two or three others. Then set up an appointment to interview them.
What To Ask At Divorce Lawyer Interviews
Formulate a list of questions before your first meeting with potential divorce lawyers that are both general and unique to your situation. Some things you might want to ask…
During the initial call…
– Is there a consultation fee?
– What is the lawyer’s hourly fee?
– How busy is the lawyer’s schedule?
About the lawyer’s background…
– How long practicing?
– Does lawyer specialize in family/divorce?
– Does lawyer have experience with cases similar to yours? Recently?
– Experience with custody cases?
-Settlement and meditation experience?
– What is lawyer’s style in court and negotiations?
About the particulars of your case…
– What strategy is proposed for your case?
– Will lawyer handle your case personally or delegate to an associate? Can you meet him/her?
– How long is your case expected to take?
– What are the tax implications of your settlement? Will help be available as the case progresses to help you determine such?
– Are you allowed to contact/negotiate with your spouse?
– What is lawyer’s prediction of case outcome (realize no guarantees can be made; beware if you are guaranteed anything!)?
About office billing and administration…
– What is expected as a retainer? How applied to your billing?
– What hourly rate will you be billed?
– Will you be billed for services of other personnel?
– What additional expenses might be involved (travel, investigators, consultants, professionals…)?
– Is the lawyer insured for malpractice (be sure that he/she is!)?
Regarding contact with your lawyer…
– How can you contact your lawyer (include emergency contact)?
– How long will your lawyer take to get back to you when contacted (with some exception, expect returns calls within 24 hours)?
Note The Experience
During the interview, you want to note two things—your rapport with the lawyer and his or her responses. From there, narrow the list down to the one with whom you feel comfortable and well-represented. If you’ve not yet found that person, interview more divorce lawyers until you do.
After several years of marriage, you want to divorce or to break up with your partner. There are, however, some things you should know in order to avoid or minimize the complications involved in divorce. Here are five practical tips on how to find a good divorce lawyer.
Tip #1
When searching for the right divorce attorney, it is extremely important to know that a good divorce lawyer is not necessarily the right attorney for you. Every case is different. What matters the most is to choose an attorney experienced in handling divorce cases. Also, opt for a divorce lawyer who has the ability to communicate effectively with you.
Tip #2
A good divorce lawyer should inform you about your rights, to see if divorce is the best solution. Consult a lawyer recommended by a family member or friend who has recently divorced. However, do not rely too much on this, because you might have different needs and expectations.
Tip #3
Make a list of divorce attorneys in your area and contact at least three different lawyers. This will enable you to choose the attorney that you feel the most comfortable with. Ask a friend to attend the first meeting with your lawyer. It is good to take into account an impartial opinion about the competence of the lawyer.
Tip #4
Make sure your lawyer has taken continuing legal education courses in divorce law. The attorney you choose should be prepared to work your case in the style you expect. Ask him about the divorce laws of your state, property settlement, child custody and any other facts you are interested in.
Tip #5
Find a lawyer you like as a person. Do not just pick the first one you come to. Ask about the costs involved before you sign up to their legal services. Estimate the total bill based on your lawyer’s rate to get an idea of what you are in for.
A divorce can leave things a real mess. Not only do you have to deal with the emotional strain, financial strain and the anger and other emotions you’re left with – but you also have to find a way to untangle the mess that is left behind. For instance, your bad credit! While it’s easy to ignore the fact that there’s a problem, bad credit can make it really hard to move on and start over. This article discusses how to clean up your bad credit after your divorce.
Obtain a Copy of Your Credit Report -
The first thing you need to know is what your credit looks like. Which bills are going against your credit? Are they even supposed to be there? You can find this information by getting a copy of your credit report. You’re entitled to one free credit report per year. You can write and request a copy of your report from the three major credit bureaus, Experian, Equifax and TransUnion. You can also visit online credit monitoring sites such as www.freecreditreport.com. When you get the copy of your credit report, you’re able to go over the things against you to determine what you owe and what doesn’t need to be there.
Dispute Any Reports That Don’t Belong to You -
If there are any bills on your credit report that you’ve already paid or that don’t belong to you – you need to dispute them. You can write to each credit bureau and tell them why the bills are not yours, or supply them with receipts where you have paid those bills off. There are many incidents of reports against people who they don’t actually belong to, so pay close attention to your report. Even when you pay off an old debt that was against your credit, you have to write all three credit bureaus and let them know that the bill has been paid and give them the receipts to prove it.
Start Paying off Each Bill That is Against Your Credit -
While most people would think that you should start with the oldest bills, you should actually start with the newest bills. The reason is that the records on your credit report drop off after 7 to 10 years. If you have several bills that are close to dropping off your report, you can handle those with the companies rather than worrying about them right away. Instead, focus on the newer bills and the ones with the highest interest. Cut down on your unnecessary spending at home and save all your extra money to pay off those bills. This will help you get them paid more quickly so that your credit rating goes up. You can also use one credit card to pay for things you already have the money for. Pay it off in its entirety each month and you will build your credit back up.
By using these methods, you can effectively clean up your credit report after a divorce and get back to normal. This will help you in the future when you go to purchase a home or a car. Without a good credit rating, you may not be able to get financed. Follow the tips to help you on your way to a good credit rating and a new life.
Danielle L. Taylor is an author for Xstilla.com – one of the most active divorce support communities in the Internet. If you want to learn more about divorce, child support, dating or just want to tell your divorce story and get support from understanding members of the community go to http://www.Xstilla.com