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With so many marriages ending in divorce, many involving young children, parents are naturally worried about how to best protect their kids through the process.

According to Allison Granite, MSW, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker who lives and works in Voorhees, NJ, “The most important thing parents can do to help ease kids through the divorce process is to constantly reassure them that their relationship with both parents is permanent and continuing. Parents must try to put aside their own personal crisis, which is easier said than done.”

Granite urges parents to tell kids what to expect and give them enough time to process and talk about any major changes, such as a parent moving out of the marital home, before those changes happen. Parents need to be honest, but give age-appropriate answers when their children have questions about the divorce. Remember that although the marital relationship might end, responsible parenting must continue.

William J. Thompson, Chair, Matrimonial Department at Archer and Greiner, P.C. recommends a few steps that divorcing parents should consider at the start of the process:
• Consider mediation. In many cases it can be quicker, less costly and far less adversarial.
• Be financially aware. You will need to know what assets exist, how much they are worth and how much you owe.
• Know where your money goes. Checking account and credit card statements can help you pull together an accurate and realistic budget of what your family spends and what you will be able to afford in the future.
• Be realistic. It is unlikely that you will receive all the assets or all of your spouse’s income. The process is intended to be fair to both sides.
• Keep the children out of the middle. No matter what your spouse’s faults, the children deserve a relationship with both parent, and it is not their responsibility to negotiate the divorce.
• Select professionals to assist whom you understand and trust. Ask questions and listen to their advice. A good lawyer will outline the pros and cons of a decision and give reasoned advice.

No couple wants to get divorced, but when it is truly the best thing, you have to work very hard to make the transition as smooth as possible for yourself and especially your kids. Read more in an upcoming issue of SJ Magazine.

Anyone who has experienced divorce can tell you first hand it is one of the most stressful events you will ever face. That is especially true for those who are also parents. The day to day challenges of parenting are significant enough without divorce and the challenges that come with attempting to recover from such a significant loss complicate the parenting process for everyone, including those who are normally less impacted by stress issues. Stressed parents find they are less tolerant, irritable and angry, depressed, and down right miserable at times. The good news- you can do something about it if you find yourself in that boat.

Stress is normal part of the divorce process. In fact, stress is commonly under identified by divorcees as the primary reason for difficulties. Too often, divorcees focus their attention on anger and sadness issues, rather than identifying some pretty simple things they can do to deal with stress. Understanding how stress impacts you, your ex-spouse, and your children can help you to appropriately and effectively navigate the divorce process.

Stress is basically our reaction to change. Yes it is more complicated than that, but at it the core of almost all stress is change. First of all, there are times in our lives when we should be stressed. Those times usually revolve around significant life changes such as death of a loved one, job changes, moves, change in normal routine, health related issues, and change in family make up. Obviously, divorce can bring some or all of these changes to the table. So, it makes sense that stress plays a vital role in the entire divorce experience.

Recognizing what is happening with you, your ex, and your children can help you to choose the proper approach to dealing with things. When significant change enters our lives, control becomes an important part of the equation. When we feel out of control and powerless, stress levels tend to rise, and frankly there are few life situations outside of divorce where you will feel more powerless. Naturally, when a person feels out of control, they often attempt to control something or many things. Often, divorcees and children in divorce attempt to control what is happening around them, and very often they attempt to control other people.

Do not under estimate this control issue in your own levels of stress and that of other people involved in your divorce. Divorced parents frequently attempt to alleviate their stress by controlling their ex-spouse or children. And very often, the reaction to these attempts to control is negative.

If you want to immediately reduce your stress try this: Sit down at your kitchen table with a note pad and list 10 things you can absolutely, without doubt, control right away. For example, you can control what time you get up each morning. You can control what you eat. You can even control whether or not you allow yourself to get drawn into an argument with your ex. You can control whether you set yourself up for an argument with your ex or not. You can control what you watch and the type of people you surround yourself with during this crisis. I’ve given you 6 things to start with that you can control. Add 4 to this list and you are on your way. Or come up with 10 of your own. Even small things can make a difference when combined with other things. Once you have a list of things you can control the next step is to follow through. A list alone will change nothing. But, if you work toward controlling those things on your list, you are on your way to successful stress management.

Controlling what you can will make a difference. The more things you put together, the more control you feel you have of your life, even when a lot of big things are outside of your control. So, the next time your ex is doing something you do not like, your attorney fails to return your call, and your child refuses to follow your instructions, take a moment to control some things you can control and your stress levels will inevitably feel drop. The biggest mistake you can make is attempting to control things that are outside of your control. Recognize those things that are beyond your power and do not attempt to change them, you will have more success when you are realistic about what can be controlled and what cannot.

Years ago I thought I was happy, in love, and my future looked bright.

I was young and didn’t understand marriage. I thought in the back of my head he may be with me only for the papers, but that quickly went away once he would do something sweet.

Though, after a while many things came to light, the way he was using me, the lies, and lastly his cheating. It was our second year as a married couple.

Finally, I asked him to leave.

In our divorce there wasn’t much to separate, moneywise at least he understood that I had been taking care of him for the last 4 years and didn’t want to split any of that, as well as we didn’t have any children together. ll I needed was for him to take his things and go.

Overall the actual separation would go well materialistically. Emotionally however, it will change me forever.

It was first real relationship. I had never felt closer to anyone in my life, and now I was throwing him out of my life.
It was a tough decision to make.

That’s when the desperate calls and visitations to my parent’s house started.

I would panic that I had made the wrong decision. He had affected my self esteem to such an extent that I couldn’t imagine anyone ever loving me.

After many arguments and many nights when I battled with myself, the date to go to divorce court was set. Once the papers were signed, difficulties continued. Everything seemed like a dream. Out with my borther, I would sit and look aimlessly without a blink.

With my family’s help to keep my chin up and my brother constantly taking me out of the everyday life I was living I started to see some light.

Then I met my current boyfriend. It was the scariest experience ever. He was the total opposite of my ex. From there we were friends for a while and took things very slowly as it was incredibly difficult for me to even imagine that I was with someone else.

At time it showed, however, as he understood what I had gone through understood and spoke with me about the problems, feeling, and solutions.

With my family’s help keeping me from harming myself and showing me that he wasn’t the only person in the world to love me, and lastly with the understanding and support of my current boyfriend I was able to overcome the divorce, as well as gain trust back in men.

Marriage is a legal relationship that changes the legal status of both parties, even though it starts out as a personal and emotional commitment. Thus, we see the prenuptial marriage contracts that may come into being between two people that supposedly have undying love for each other. If the legal rights or obligations are not set out in writing, many marriage partners often do not know their rights.

Persons who have decided to obtain a divorce have basically two procedural avenues available to them. The two options are an uncontested proceeding or a contested proceeding. If there are children and the couple has accumulated assets during the marriage, do not be surprised when the divorce seems to turn into a long drawn out and frustrating process. Remember, lawyers are normally paid on an hourly basis.

No matter what you do, the children will be forever affected by the divorce, however amicable it may be. Of course, the nastier things become, the more the children are exposed to the ugly side of a marriage break-up. Depending on the ages of the children, they have probably already picked up the animosity between the parents towards one another.

In some cases, a child will adopt, perhaps unknowingly, that animosity one parent directs at the other parent. In the best or even uncontested divorce settings, where both parents seem to get along and not argue too much, the children’s emotions will still be pulled between their parents.

When people end up going to court, the losing party is almost always unhappy and they are often prone to look for ways to violate the letter or spirit of any judgment made by the court. They may even be justified in that the court may have been in error. Such as giving custody to a parent that has mental, drug, or criminal problems. But remember that the court has the last say concerning custody issues and child support questions.

Child custody can be quite a hotly contested issue. It usually is one of the most contested and highly emotional issues in a divorce, leading to a multitude of arguments and disputes that can span many years after a divorce is finalized. Child custody is one of the most sensitive and emotional issues in the divorce process.

Legal child custody refers to your rights as a parent to make decisions about your child’s health, well-being and education. Primary physical custody refers to your right as a parent to have the child living in your home. Then a preliminary child support amount can be calculated, but not necessarily agreed upon.

Often there are many issues with respect to the information required to be considered. Many parents believe that child support should somehow be adjusted to account for time the child spends with one parent or the other. After all, they reason, when the child is with that parent, he or she is in charge of meeting the child’s needs and if the non-custodial parent has the child for an entire week in the summer, there shouldn’t be any child support being paid for that week.

However, this is the wrong assumption. It doesn’t matter if the non-custodial parent spends one day a week or 7 days a week with the child, child support is not affected. Child support is a set amount that only fluctuates when it is increased or decreased by the court. The amount of time each of you spends with your child does not affect support payments, unless you have a complete change in custody, or go to a shared parenting plan where you each have equal time with your child.

The way you share medical, educational, and other expenses also does not change based on your parenting schedule, and if you are the one that takes your child to the doctor and the other parent is the one who is responsible for medical costs, he or she should reimburse you for the expense.

If you have found someone that you believe is the perfect match for you, and you are seriously considering marriage, you might want to do a little bit of digging before you leap into a commitment that you might regret. You want to know as much as you can about the person you are with, but not everyone is fully honest about their past. If you do not have all the information you need to know about the person, how can you expect to have a long and healthy relationship? The truth is that you will not be able to – you need to protect yourself.

The best way that you can do this is by searching for divorce records online. Even if the person claims that he or she has never been married, you might still want to search the records. You may be surprised to find that many people will lie about former marriages for any number of reasons. Perhaps the person was married when they were very young and realized quickly that it was a mistake. Maybe he or she did something silly such as got married in Las Vegas during a weekend that they would rather forget. You will want to know about these things, and they will probably be easy to forgive.

However, some people have a shady past, and you can find this information out in the divorce records. You will be able to find out the places that the person lived, and you will be able to see the reason for the divorce in many cases. One of the most important things that you will be able to see are any restraining orders as well as their criminal record.

Another reason that you will want to check the divorce records is so that you can be sure that the person is really divorced. You do not want to involve yourself with someone who claims that his or her divorce is finalized only to find out that he or she was lying! That would certainly put a damper on any future plans you might have.

You can find the information that you need easily. Find an online service that offers access to these records, fill out the form, and pay the fee. Within minutes, you will be able to find out everything you need to know about the person with whom you are considering

Can I stop my divorce? Have you been asking yourself that question lately? It’s a hard question to answer because every situation is so different. In many cases, “Can I stop my divorce?” can be answered, “Yes, for a t least a while.”Divorce lawyers do a booming business. Over half of marriages end in divorce. Have you ever wondered why that number is so high? Is it because too many couples get married too quickly before they really know what they’re getting into? Are they asking, “Can I stop my divorce?” practically before the last piece of wedding cake is wrapped?

Are people marrying too young? These things might seem like pat answers, but when you consider that many couples who have been married for 20, 30 and 40 years are getting divorced too, that seems to eliminate the more frivolous marriages and divorces like those we see among starlets and stars.

When one spouse grows and takes on new pursuits, it can cause that disconnect between the spouses. Sometimes there’s jealousy and envy that a spouse is succeeding while the other feels inadequate or cheated in some way. Marriage counseling is the recommended treatment for such feelings.

Until or instead of counseling, though, you can try to take an interest in something that your spouse does apart from you. You’ll quickly learn if the gap between your activities is the problem. If your spouse isn’t thrilled about your interest, then let it go. He or she considers that particularly activity to be me time for them.

On the other hand, if your spouse seems very enthusiastic about you getting involved, maybe that was part of the problem all along. He or she wanted to include you but didn’t know how to go about it, or didn’t think you would be interested.

Be sure to show your spouse that you have genuine interest and questions, but be careful to not over do it Engage your loved one in conversation with regards to the interest. Be affectionate as you’re talking by putting a hand on his/her arm or shoulder.